off and on

I am so happy I went to kickboxing Monday night! I hadn’t been in probably 2 months, and today I woke up SO sore in my upper body. I love this feeling. It is definitely going to be my Monday night work-out now, plus Saturdays when I can. I ate a super healthy fast dinner of egg whites, tuna, tomatoes, mushrooms, some hummus and hot sauce. I felt great and right back on track!

Yesterday morning I went uptown to Planet Fitness to run and tan since it had been TOO long since my body had a tan. I ran 4 miles and had some knee pain towards the end, and it was really hurting after so I didn’t walk to work. Luckily by the end of the day it felt fine again, so I walked home. Thanks to PMS and that lingering depressed feeling, my appetite has been ridiculous. But, I ate great all day yesterday.

my oatmeal/wheat bran/egg white/banana/peanut butter mess
chicken burger on WW thin, carrots&hummus plus an apple
greek yog with PB2, frozen bloobs & fiber 1 cereal

I also had some pumpkin seeds which took me 2 hours to eat. They are an AWESOME snack because you can’t really wolf them down, plus super high in protein.

On my walk home I felt so hungry, and had no reason to! I despise that feeling. After all I ate all weekend, shouldn’t that somehow carry over into the week? Haha well I had homework and cleaning to do but wasn’t hungry for actual dinner, so I ate the other half of this fake ice cream I got at Whole Foods last week. I had the first half last week and didn’t microwave it and it was not so good. It has 150 calories in the WHOLE pint and made with organic and natural ingredients. Trust me, you can tell. It’s got a very weird consistency, but if you microwave it and put cereal on top of it it’s decent. So that’s what I did.

I ended up refilling it with cereal twice. With pumpkin butter on top. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I have not stress eaten in almost two years. Granted my stress eating now is just huge portions of healthy things, but that catches up to you too. And it has, for the first time since I’ve lost weight. My pants feel tight and I feel GROSS! However, my mental health in terms of this is not too shabby considering I was border line eating disorder for months. I know I’ll lose the 5-8 pounds I’m sure I’ve gained (I will never, ever own a scale. You can definitely tell by how you feel when you need to get back on track!). When I started to feel crazy, I reminded myself it’s my SIZE TWO AND FOUR jeans that are snug. This might be superficial, but it helps me. I lost 10 more pounds than what my goal weight was, so this is cushion weight (literally, haha) but I don’t feel confident. What I do feel confident about though, is that I will regain control. This is a whole new territory for me, to have some weak moments and turn it back around. I’ve been told that part of maintenance is the occasional weight gain (no more than 10 pounds) from life, vacation, etc where you just live instead of being obsessed. Unfortunately there was no vacation for me to have fun with, but it has been a bit of a mental vacation. This summer was really tough for me struggling with not eating enough and working out like a maniac. Right now, I’m figuring out how much I need/can eat and was told that this will most likely include a slight weight gain as I figure out what my body needs. Eating close to 2000 calories is GOOD for me when I’m running/kickboxing/zumba/weight lifting and walking, but the last 2 weeks there have been too many days bordering on 3000, with not enough exercise. It’s not good or necessary to wake up at 2 AM, vent to your boyfriend and eat peanut butter, banana and honey on whole wheat toast.

He is such an enabler! I wish he would say, “Jen, your belly is looking a little chub and it’s probably not the best idea to eat 800 grams of carbs and go back to sleep and not go to the gym in the morning to use that energy.” But instead he tells me I’m beautiful and that he loves me and that it’s okay. And he’s right, to an extent. My energy level is ridiculously low and I’m not sure if it’s just because of feeling down and PMS, but I need to snap out of it. I love that I can vent on this blog and feel open enough to reveal this side of me. I have tried for 2 years to be perfect in terms of eating and working out, but it’s nice to be able to say I’m human. I think it will help me feel less alone and help me get back on track.

I’m also looking into signing up for my first half marathon in March! My longest runs have been about 6 miles, so I don’t need that many months of training but it would be nice to have a goal to look forward to instead of just constantly trying to lose ‘those last 5 pounds.’ Although this time, I really do need to lose 5 pounds 🙂 I see a few weeks of Jillian Micheal’s in my future… I just want to be back to normal by Thanksgiving, and I think I can get back to feeling like me in over a month. Hopefully it won’t take a whole month, but it’s realistic. No crazy restrictions, just no more 2 AM eating and no more cereal for dinner. I think that alone will be enough, since that’s what I’ve been basically binging on. This post was honestly scary for me, because this is SO not me. But I want to be open so that it doesn’t get out of control. I want to feel normal and know that other people (whether you’ve lost weight or not) have gone through periods of gaining a little bit of weight due to stress/life. So feel very free to comment and let me know! 🙂

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6 thoughts on “off and on”

    1. well if you miss skinny minny are eating a ton too i feel better already! hahah um can i eat a gingerbread house? my boss must know i have pms because he just delivered me an espresso and a square of dark chocolate. genius!

  1. I can totally relate to how stress can affect ones appetite. Mine was a little different- I had NO desire to eat and lost 12lbs in a week (I could afford to & once I started eating again it came right back on). I hope you are feel better soon, I will be praying for you. Lonliness is very hard to deal with. I moved to Florida to be with the love of my life- it has been wonderful but the lonliness really started to set in. On top of being 26 and not knowing if all this schooling I am doing is for something I really want to do in life.. and gaining 40lbs since moving to FL— AHHH STRESS!! I know you have tried Yoga, perhaps you can incorperate that more in your plan. It is so healthy for your spirit. Meditation and breathing exercises have also helped me out a lot.

    Do not stress over the amount of calories you are eating. You do exercise a lot and I am sure you burn it off quickly. Your metabolism must be GREAT now. Keep your chin up and keep us updated. Looking forward to reading your next entry. One day at a time.

    1. i think stress eating or not-eating is something all girls can really relate to. sometimes i just get it in my head that im the ONLY one going through it, and just need to hear it from others. yoga was a great experience, however it is kinda stressful when you are beginning because i dont know what im doing and i didnt get the same endorphin rush i do with cardio. at least its available to me now though so i can try to go at least twice a month! thanks so much for your positive words! 🙂

  2. Hey lady, this was a great post! Stress eating, especially during times of PMS can be such a bummer. Just remember that in addition to all the calories you’re burning during your workouts, your body burns extra calories before and while you’re on your period. And it does that, because it knows you’ll need to take more in. Our bodies know what we need and don’t need – so trust it! 🙂 No need to wake up and stress out, because in the end is it worth it? Size 2/4 jeans are such an accomplishment, Miss Thing! I can remember going through a lot of this mental struggle when I went in to maintenance, and because I couldn’t get it under control, I just ended up losing and then gaining too much weight. You seem like you have such a healthy routine going on, so just know that you have that support system in your bf and don’t be afraid to reach out! Talking about these kind of things, even on the blog, is such a good way to get perspective, because you’re gorge inside and out 🙂 You just have to remember that!

    1. THANK YOU SO MUCH! I actually just read something on how eating more during PMS is a response to our bodies actually needing more calories during that time.. already when i put my jeans on this morning they feel pretty much back to normal. This is the first time i’ve gone through stress eating/ PMS eating since ive lost weight. I’ve just always been able to control it because I was obsessed with keeping my calories to 1200 a day. Now that I’ve been comfortably eating more than that and feeling better, I guess i didnt care as much. just have to find that balance! Thanks so much for your compliments, you are AMAZING and i cannot wait to get to know you better when youre back in NYC 🙂 🙂

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