I am so happy I went to kickboxing Monday night! I hadn’t been in probably 2 months, and today I woke up SO sore in my upper body. I love this feeling. It is definitely going to be my Monday night work-out now, plus Saturdays when I can. I ate a super healthy fast dinner of egg whites, tuna, tomatoes, mushrooms, some hummus and hot sauce. I felt great and right back on track!
Yesterday morning I went uptown to Planet Fitness to run and tan since it had been TOO long since my body had a tan. I ran 4 miles and had some knee pain towards the end, and it was really hurting after so I didn’t walk to work. Luckily by the end of the day it felt fine again, so I walked home. Thanks to PMS and that lingering depressed feeling, my appetite has been ridiculous. But, I ate great all day yesterday.
I also had some pumpkin seeds which took me 2 hours to eat. They are an AWESOME snack because you can’t really wolf them down, plus super high in protein.
On my walk home I felt so hungry, and had no reason to! I despise that feeling. After all I ate all weekend, shouldn’t that somehow carry over into the week? Haha well I had homework and cleaning to do but wasn’t hungry for actual dinner, so I ate the other half of this fake ice cream I got at Whole Foods last week. I had the first half last week and didn’t microwave it and it was not so good. It has 150 calories in the WHOLE pint and made with organic and natural ingredients. Trust me, you can tell. It’s got a very weird consistency, but if you microwave it and put cereal on top of it it’s decent. So that’s what I did.
I ended up refilling it with cereal twice. With pumpkin butter on top. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I have not stress eaten in almost two years. Granted my stress eating now is just huge portions of healthy things, but that catches up to you too. And it has, for the first time since I’ve lost weight. My pants feel tight and I feel GROSS! However, my mental health in terms of this is not too shabby considering I was border line eating disorder for months. I know I’ll lose the 5-8 pounds I’m sure I’ve gained (I will never, ever own a scale. You can definitely tell by how you feel when you need to get back on track!). When I started to feel crazy, I reminded myself it’s my SIZE TWO AND FOUR jeans that are snug. This might be superficial, but it helps me. I lost 10 more pounds than what my goal weight was, so this is cushion weight (literally, haha) but I don’t feel confident. What I do feel confident about though, is that I will regain control. This is a whole new territory for me, to have some weak moments and turn it back around. I’ve been told that part of maintenance is the occasional weight gain (no more than 10 pounds) from life, vacation, etc where you just live instead of being obsessed. Unfortunately there was no vacation for me to have fun with, but it has been a bit of a mental vacation. This summer was really tough for me struggling with not eating enough and working out like a maniac. Right now, I’m figuring out how much I need/can eat and was told that this will most likely include a slight weight gain as I figure out what my body needs. Eating close to 2000 calories is GOOD for me when I’m running/kickboxing/zumba/weight lifting and walking, but the last 2 weeks there have been too many days bordering on 3000, with not enough exercise. It’s not good or necessary to wake up at 2 AM, vent to your boyfriend and eat peanut butter, banana and honey on whole wheat toast.
He is such an enabler! I wish he would say, “Jen, your belly is looking a little chub and it’s probably not the best idea to eat 800 grams of carbs and go back to sleep and not go to the gym in the morning to use that energy.” But instead he tells me I’m beautiful and that he loves me and that it’s okay. And he’s right, to an extent. My energy level is ridiculously low and I’m not sure if it’s just because of feeling down and PMS, but I need to snap out of it. I love that I can vent on this blog and feel open enough to reveal this side of me. I have tried for 2 years to be perfect in terms of eating and working out, but it’s nice to be able to say I’m human. I think it will help me feel less alone and help me get back on track.
I’m also looking into signing up for my first half marathon in March! My longest runs have been about 6 miles, so I don’t need that many months of training but it would be nice to have a goal to look forward to instead of just constantly trying to lose ‘those last 5 pounds.’ Although this time, I really do need to lose 5 pounds 🙂 I see a few weeks of Jillian Micheal’s in my future… I just want to be back to normal by Thanksgiving, and I think I can get back to feeling like me in over a month. Hopefully it won’t take a whole month, but it’s realistic. No crazy restrictions, just no more 2 AM eating and no more cereal for dinner. I think that alone will be enough, since that’s what I’ve been basically binging on. This post was honestly scary for me, because this is SO not me. But I want to be open so that it doesn’t get out of control. I want to feel normal and know that other people (whether you’ve lost weight or not) have gone through periods of gaining a little bit of weight due to stress/life. So feel very free to comment and let me know! 🙂