I miss you.

I hate to say “I’m back” because I think I’ve proven that I am a bit unreliable these days when it comes to blogging… but for today, I am here. I am saying hello. And I am trying to pick up where I left off and continue right here, instead of just doing a big massive recap of the last few months. I will have to include some Mexico pictures and highlights because it was the best trip of my life but things the last few weeks have been really rough for me and I’m hoping bringing back writing will help me cope a little more. As I’ve opened up about before, I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety most of my life and it has been pretty tame over the last 2 years since I started taking a low dose of medicine and therapy. Especially in the last 6+ months since I started my new job, I have been the happiest I’ve been in years. So confident and just feeling amazing. For some reason about a week after I got back from Mexico, I got hit with a bout of anxiety from nowhere that has not really subsided. It was so bad 2 weeks ago that I had to get an ultrasound of my heart because my blood pressure was so high. It’s been so scary and just putting it out there that our minds can really screw us up pretty badly. Long story short and after 2 emergency sessions with my psychiatrist, we decided to stop taking the medicine I was on (lowest dose of Wellbutrin) and let my body get used to not being on anything. My body is VERY sensitive to things, like I feel the effects of everything not just medicine almost instantly, so within a few days my anxiety started to get better. I am feeling a little down but that is to be expected after coming off an anti-depressant, and it’s NOTHING compared to how depressed I was when I originally went on the medicine 2 years ago. This is just more worry that I will never feel normal again because that’s my biggest fear. I basically have “denationalization disorder” from extreme anxiety so for 3+ weeks now I have felt totally disconnected from my mind and body. Meaning I have to really pinch myself or touch my face to even remember that I am existing, and sometimes the act of doing that freaks me out. It basically must be what a really bad trip on acid is like? But I can assure you I’ve done no drugs. So my course of action for the next 5-6 weeks is no medicine, starting therapy again, and trying to really get myself to yoga or start a practice at home. I am not against going on another low dose of an antidepressant but I’m really not depressed, just full of extreme anxiety for reasons I am not sure of. The worst part is that it’s effected my spin classes; for some reason exercise has made this worse, so I’ve had to cut back on a lot of my classes because I feel horrible and anxious the whole time and it’s incredibly distracting. It’s also made me develop some social anxiety, so the thought of being in public and riding the subway every day has been SO challenging for me. Here’s hoping answers are coming soon.

If you have any tips or want to share your story of dealing with anxiety, I’d love to hear them! 

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7 thoughts on “I miss you.”

  1. Glad to see you’re back but sorry about the anxiety! I don’t deal with anxiety myself but some of the closest people in my life do. One thing that I know has worked for some is regular meditation (which I guess goes along with your yoga). Maybe try deep breathing exercises on a regular basis rather than just when the anxiety hits – might help!

  2. Jen I went thru the very same thing! So did your Greatgrandmother and your Grandpa Lyons and Uncle Bob! I think we inherited the gene! Relaxation techniques and just knowing that the attack will pass and that nothing will happen to you while you are having one worked for me over time.It was a horrible feeling but eventually I was able to just let them pass and before I knew it I didn’t have them anymore.

  3. I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression my whole life. I used to be on medication, but came off of it about 5 years ago. Let me tell you, it’s been a roller coaster! It will likely be a lifetime struggle. I have social anxiety as well – I hate large places (malls, amusement parks, etc) and I have to constantly push myself out of my comfort zone in order to live a “normal” life. Things seem to be getting better for me, but it will never come naturally. As you know, I’ve been following you for quite some time. It’s shocking to me that you go through these struggles because you have always come across as a very confident, outgoing, happy person. You have always been an inspiration to me (and many others, I am sure). Keep doing what you are doing and push through this. I know you will be ok. I’m so glad you are back, I’ve missed you! Keep in mind you have a TON of “virtual” support online….we are all here wishing you the very best!!!!

  4. Feelings of anxiety and depression are REAL and come and go in stages. I’ve always been of the mindset that I want to get to the root of the issues rather than resort to a lifetime of heavy drugs, because, like you said, “I’m really not depressed” and it’s more situational. You’re not crazy or wrong – I know you know that. I also you know that knowing that doesn’t make any of this feel any better. It’s hard to feel like you’re trapped in your head or crawling out of your skin. I’ve never had real anxiety issues myself; but I dated someone for a long time who did and it was painful to know he was hurt, and to watch him struggle without being able to help. Sometimes anxiety is the body and the mind’s way of telling you to slow down, which you’re clearly making a huge effort to do. So many things have happened recently – the new job and engagement(!) – and your whole life has changed SO MUCH in the past years and it’s been inspiring and amazing to see your journey. It’s so much more than moving to NYC, losing the weight, or even developing into your identity as an athlete – those are all great, but they only scratch the surface. It’s really been about learning who you are and being happy with yourself, and having people around you who have always supported you during the ups and the downs. My only advice would be to not withdraw from your life, which I know you feel like doing. Let yourself feel those anxious waves at the gym or at spin class or on the subway; and remind yourself that it will pass soon and you won’t die and you’re not insane. Because it will, you won’t, and you’re not. This might help you to slowly start getting back into the normal way of things, and subjecting yourself to things that are making you feel this way may help you discover what’s really going on and getting you on the path to solving it.

  5. I too have anxiety. I feel for you regarding your spin classes. I train people and I always feel that whatever circuit I give them, they can tell that I dont know what i am doing, i am just faking knowing what to do thru the session!!! Its my anxiety and low self esteem there, but it never lets go. Just letting yourself go and allowing yourself to feel emotions is a great thing and giving yourself a pat on the back when you do something that is hard is vital. I find even the easiest days (for other people) can sometimes be hard. You have to allow yourself time. And yes, people think I am a confident and happy person, we all are very good at hiding it 🙂

  6. I hope you get your answers soon! I’ve been doing restorative yoga classes and find that they’ve held with the rough period I’ve been going through the last few months.

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