Where to even begin? The last 4+ months have been living hell for me and I sort of don’t want to go down memory lane explaining how awful it’s been. But here we go- a quick recap of this shit so I can get into the positive stuff! 

Anxiety is not just being anxious about something. Everyone experiences anxiety almost daily- if it weren’t present, we’d have no reason to hussle getting to work on time, or to go to the gym, or take care of our families. Anxiety fuels us to do things. It can sometimes come at times that are not needed though and out of nowhere.  In fact, my life was going utterly perfect when this hit me. Ultimately through my 2 therapists (one in-person and one through TalkSpace which is an amazing service) and my pyschiatrist, we have concluded 2 things- I have bipolar depression (so was not expecting this) and the ‘mania’ I experience is crippling anxiety in a very high state, and that the culmination of everything that happened to me the last 3 years family-wise, personal life-wise and job-wise that I tried to bury and not deal with exploded out of me. Basically out of nowhere, but could have been triggered through the high levels of anxiety I had during the flights to and from Mexico and all the stress from teaching so many spin classes daily. When I heard the diagnosis, I cried so hard. I felt completely hopeless and terrified. I have been blessed with a very caring pyschiatrist who doesn’t care what it takes to get you feeling better, he will do it and help you. He saw me at the bottom of my depression a little over 2 years ago, helped me get to the amazing place I was in last year, and was very shocked when I took a nosedive in November. It took us over 4 months to get to this diagnosis, and we did it together. I discontinued the medicine I used for 2+ years and started a new one 2 weeks ago and there’s been a big difference. I won’t lie and say things are anywhere near awesome and that I am scared every day of things going south again, but somehow I dug myself out of the hole I’ve been trapped in and started living again. I gave up teaching Spin in early February and it was heart breaking to say the least. I’m not sure how I kept teaching during the highest states of my anxiety- pure will power I guess. It was making me feel worse so I finally had to stop. As my best friend Brenda reminded me 1000 times, teaching Spin will always be there- for now, it’s time to take care of myself and just keep working my full-time job where my bosses were nothing but supportive and helpful through this. It’s been 4 months of pure hell and terror and I would never have made it through if it weren’t for my wonderful John. Every single night he has let me do whatever I needed to survive- usually just crying myself to sleep- but he pushed me to go running a few times, helped me make food when I could barely get out of bed, texted me hourly to make sure I knew how much he loves me, and his undying support and letting me know that I would indeed get through this and he would be by my side. I have no way to ever repay him, but he is truly the best person in my life. 
So, I only really have to catch you up on the last 2 weeks of my life where I have actually been LIVING again! One of the best things I’ve done for myself was sign up for a 10 week challenge through the most amazing cycling studio in NY- CYC Fitness. I have been basically doing nothing since mid-February exercise-wise so it was time to get back in it. Brenda is obsessed with CYC and I tried a class out last July 4th and it kicked my ass even while I was in great shape! It’s just SO much fun for 45 minutes and includes 4-5 songs where the resistance is up almost all the way and you use 1-2 lb sandbags for a few arm routines. Sounds easy, right? Wrong. Like I said, even last year when I was in great shape the arm portion killed me. I am not stupid enough to think 2 lb weights will tone my arms up since I have fat to lose on them since I was basically sedentary for a few months, but let’s just say I am REAL sore after class in the triceps! The challenge includes 40 classes (4 classes/week) that you complete by May 31st, and the package also included a bottle of VitaFusion gummy vitamins, and 10 blowouts courtesy of Glam and Go which is a blowout station INSIDE the locker room. How freaking genius right? I took my 4 classes last Wednesday morning, Thursday night, Friday morning and Sunday morning with Brenda for my birthday!
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Blow out #1! LOVED it!
I am super excited for week 2 of the CYC 10-week challenge and to also be teaching for the first time in almost 2 months this week! I’ll continue my birthday post tomorrow and hopefully actually write a few times a week now!
I’ve missed you guys so much. Who out there is still reading?! 🙂
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Baby Fever

Wow, what a weekend. Still recovering! I had a great time visiting my family upstate and I felt relaxed while I was there and that’s all that matters! Backtracking to Thursday, my bus got cancelled for that night so I left at 8:00 AM on Friday. We were still late getting to Binghamton by about 40 minutes so by the time I got to the bus terminal and Enterprise picked me up to get my rental car (so great that they offer that service for free) it was already after 1:00. Starbucks was needed desperately, then I went to my mom’s. This is the longest I’ve gone in my life without seeing her, over 3 months, so it was really good to see her of course. I quickly showered then headed to Friends & Co to get my hair did. Seriously, I looked like shit. LOL! I just went way too long without a haircut or color and it was time. Here is the before and after.

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TARGET SELFIE!
TARGET SELFIE!

Ahhhh, it feels so much better. This length is freaking perfect. Words can’t express how much I love my stylist Sherette! I spent a couple hours in Target shopping for my friend’s baby shower and of course myself. I am a Target-aholic and it’s a good thing that it’s way out of my way to get to it in the city. I got a great pair of jeans (considering I HATE jeans, this is saying a lot), a new bra (do you know how hard it is to find 38B’s with NO added padding?! I like my flat chest, thanks), and an amazing new gym bag that is so adorable. I tried to find a pic online but doesn’t look like it’s on their site. I’ll try to remember to get a picture of it! When I got back to my mom’s, she made me her amazing turkey meatballs and we threw them on some salad with vodka sauce.

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This was my first real meal all day so it’s a good thing that just a couple hours later John and I were going to our very late Valentine’s dinner! He got into town around 10:15 so we hurried across the highway to go to one of our old favorites, Grande’s Bella Cucina. How gorgeous is their interior?!

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I’m gonna come right out and say it: we are complete and total pizza snobs after 3 years of living in New York City. This used to be my favorite pizza ever, and even though I had to peel off all this cheese, it just wasn’t close to as good as what we eat here. It’s true what they say, NYC pizza IS THE BEST.

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My valentine’s presents from John were obviously amazing. A huge loaf of heart-shaped raisin fennel bread and coconut cake from Amy’s Bread. I love this man.

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Saturday morning I was up super early to fit in a 2.5 mile run and a spin class before my friend’s baby shower breakfast. The spin class- not good. I barely made it 45 minutes before leaving and it was an 80 minute class. I won’t go into why it wasn’t good but it definitely will make me a stronger instructor. Either way, felt great to sweat!

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My friend Rachel’s baby shower was everything I knew it would be! First off, having it as a breakfast was genius. Everyone loves breakfast food and if you don’t… I mean, what’s wrong wit chu?! The spread of food was freaking incredible. Bagels, salmon, avocado, baked french toast casserole, fruit, eggs, potatoes, muffins, and a hot chocolate bar. I ate SO much of the baked french toast knowing it was so bad for you, but I am definitely going to healthify that up and try my own version of it.

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The beautiful momma-to-be!
The beautiful momma-to-be!
Rachel, me and Jessica! Love these girls!
Rachel, me and Jessica! Love these girls!
banana cake. mmmm
banana cake. mmmm

I am so excited for this boy to be born! A few hours with her and her family and friends was definitely not enough and I miss them so much. Love seeing my friends lives go in amazing directions, but it would be even better if we all lived closer! Seeing all the baby stuff gave me a little baby fever but not to have my own. I just want all my friends to have them so I can be the best Aunt!

I spent the rest of the afternoon with my dad and we met up for dinner with my brother at my favorite restaurant from my hometown, Harry Tuft’s. I wonder how many times I’ve wrote about them if I went back and looked through my entries! I ordered my favorite food OF ALL TIME that I haven’t eaten in at least a year if not two… chicken wings. Honey. Mustard. Chicken. WANGS.

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Besides the fact that chicken wings are terrible for you, they murder my stomach. I felt it was worth it… and somehow, someway they didn’t bother me too badly. I ate all but 1 and it was worth every bite. When I was about 5 years old, my dad videotaped me singing a song that I just kept yelling “I LOVE CHICKEN WINGS!” while dancing around. I am special. My brother and I went to hang out with some of his friends for awhile followed by watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia in bed eating guac and chips.

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I ended up with major knee pain from my treadmill run on Saturday, so bad that I really couldn’t walk on it without almost limping. Have I mentioned how much I HATE THIS WINTER and how it’s destroyed my running fitness?! I had to skip out on my 7 mile run and I really have no idea how I’m going to be ready to run a half marathon in less than a month. BLAH. I went down to visit John’s mom for a bit and played with her new Soda Stream! These things are so cool and of course I want one though I have no need for one. We made diet cola (a little flat tasting) and Country Time lemonade! The lemonade was awesome and way lower calorie and sugar than the real stuff.

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John drove back with me (his mom lives about 40 miles from my parents) and we went to Harry Tuft’s, again, with my brother. This time I had chicken spiedies, which in my opinion are the best in town. Have you ever heard of chicken spiedies? My hometown is where they originated from! It’s basically marinated chunks of chicken on a sub roll, but many places around the town compete for the best marinade. Tuft’s is my personal favorite, but Lupo’s is the most popular. Fun upstate New York facts 😉

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That little orange-ish cup is the honey mustard they use on their chicken wings and it’s to die for. The waitress loves me so she gave me a huge to-go cup of it for me to bring back to the city with me! You can’t really buy it in stores other than bulk restaurant stores but the brand is called Cattleman’s. It’s slightly spicy and more of a barbecue honey mustard. It’s just freaking amazing on everything.

We got back to the city really late Sunday night so yesterday was a miserably exhausting day. I was up bright and early this morning to teach my Tuesday morning spin class. I woke up feeling like complete crap because I’m getting a little sick, but I ended up having an amazing class! Always love when that happens. I’ll share my playlist with you guys tomorrow since this post is a little long! 🙂

Have you ever had a drastic hair cut? This is pretty drastic for me but it doesn’t feel like it! It just feels like I made the right decision!

What’s your favorite absolutely-terrible-for-you food? I’m talking the one that you only eat once a year, if that!

And let’s redeem ourselves… what’s your favorite super healthy food? I’d say broccoli. I LOVE steamed broccoli and can eat it completely and totally plain!

Hair Woes.

Welcome to Hump Day, ya’ll! This week has flown by so far which is always great. I am ready for the next 6 weeks to fly by before we can welcome at least consistent 40-50 degree weather. I am so over this winter that I don’t have adequate enough words to express my feelings towards it. Literally all I have the energy to do after work is get into bed and fall right asleep, and getting out of bed for the gym unless I have to teach has been non-existent. Send me motivation, please and thank you.

Since I don’t have much to report on on the fitness front today, I thought I would post some things I am currently coveting and my big dilemma at the moment; what the frick to do with my hair. I am truthfully not a fan of my hair and almost never have been. I have maybe 10 good hair days a year. The texture of my hair has changed dramatically over the last decade and it leaves me increasingly more frustrated with what to do with it. I had naturally curly/wavy hair my whole life until the last two years. Suddenly it grows really fast, is much more straight than ever before, extremely snarly, and grows OUTWARD near my ears?? Last March I decided to chop off almost 11 inches after my hair wouldn’t even hold a curl anymore because it just sucks that hard. I loved it, but it grew out SO FAST because every hair on my body apparently grows at lightening speed. (TMI?)

Also, let’s face it. I don’t have time or the desire to do anything fancy with my hair 99% of the time. Since (when I am being consistent) I work out most mornings, I only have 30 minutes to shower and get ready at the gym to get to work. I will never sacrifice workout time to spend extra time on my hair. Ever. It just ain’t worth it to me, folks. I’m comfortable in my messiness, thank you very much. So whatever I do to my hair, it has to maintain a level of needing absolutely no product and being able to be dirty most days of the week. But when I DO want to get a little fancy (probably 10 days a year) I need it to cooperate. I’m also not sure I love my platinum blonde anymore but that I am willing to stick with since putting dark over it will most likely not come out very well and I don’t have the time or money to fix that. I will talk to my stylist when I get it done in a few weeks but here is what I am ultimately thinking I want.

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No idea who this pretty gal is, it’s from Pinterest. This length is a litttttle short for me but I think I need something totally different to scare the crap out of me. How does one put their hair to workout when it’s this short? At my shortest length last year I could still put it in a ponytail but this doesn’t look like I could? Anyone out there who is good with hair please send suggestions and tips! I think I love this color scheme too. Similar to what I have now, but with a little more brown added which I love. This haircut also seems like it guarantees I’ll have to move to California so I’m fine with that as well 😀

Besides that hair, I also really want the Lululemon Vinyasa Scarf. It’s apparently sold out online and in all stores (is this true???) and I can’t afford to spend $80 on one on ebay but I sure do want one. You can wear it 10 different ways!

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If anyone has a Lululemon near them that has this, I will PayPal you to send it to me and throw in something yummy! 😉

I am not in need of new workout clothes but as usual I want them, so I ventured into Victoria’s Secret on my lunch break because some of their sport line was on sale. Turns out, it was 50% off the sale price! I can’t link to any of them because they aren’t on the website but I will take pictures and show you what I got. Pretty stoked to have gotten 3 tops (2 with connected sports bras) and a sports bra for $65 total! It would have originally been $165. Woop woop!

What’s your relationship with your hair? Love it or hate it?