Bad. Sad.

Well now that it’s been a good 2 weeks since I blogged… I have been in a consistent, down-in-the-dumps, depressed, sad, anxious, awful mood since basically the last time I wrote. So that is basically why I haven’t wrote. I’m talkin’ not just no motivation or desire to work out, but basically not even to eat. Food is just another pain in my ass on the day-to-day lately. I’m bored with food, nothing tastes that great, and when I do eat it’s been junky. Small quantities of junk, but still junk nonetheless. All I’ve wanted to do is sleep. I wish I could elaborate more on here but I am extremely miserable in one very big aspect of my life, and lately it consumes me. I’m surrounded by negativity and usually my morning workouts are the only time I feel at peace. That and at night when I’m home with John and we laugh and talk cuddle. Those middle hours are the ones that get me.

I can’t even describe my lack of workouts as lack of motivation completely because it’s borderline something else… I just don’t care. And that is something I haven’t felt in the 3 years I’ve been actively working out. Running and spinning and just sweating in general makes me happy. Yet lately all I think about is sleep, and so my hour long morning workouts, or heck even 20 minutes would suffice, have been filled with sleep. And sadly, not even good sleep. I’m so anxious that I wake up a ton in the night and can tell I’m not really fully asleep. Hello, stomach aches for the past 2 weeks straight. Plus waking John up with the nightmares I have when I am asleep. Yeah- miserable is the word to describe how I’ve felt the last 2 weeks. But as usual, I am not giving up hope and I know that this too shall pass. I had a great workout on Saturday morning that left me feeling pretty good for a few hours, so I know once I get back in the swing of things I’ll feel good for a larger part of the time again. I hate to use excuses, but seriously this weather? It certainly doesn’t help how I’m feeling.

So maybe for now I need to fake it til I make it, eh? But on the real- I need those middle hours of the day to be filled with something that makes me happy. If you catch my drift.

Have you ever hit a serious apathetic slump?

Has it ever been caused by the… “middle hours” of your day?

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Wings & Things

Tuesday night my co-workers and I trekked the far trip to the lower east side to a place called Croxley Ales that boasts amazing chicken wings for the mere price of $0.10 each! Back in the day before I started to eat healthy, chicken wings were my favorite food ever. In fact, there is a video of me at the age of about 4 where I am dancing around and singing how much I love them. Luckily that is somewhere lost in the sea of VHS tapes, so that can’t haunt me anytime soon!

These days, my stomach cannot handle the fried goodness that is a chicken wing. The last time I attempted to eat them was last summer, and it ended in me being sick for 3 days. So while I could not partake in the cheap chicken wing feast, I had a sandwich that was pretty amazing. I had the grilled buffalo chicken sandwich with sweet potato fries, which was definitely close enough to chicken wings. The sauce was so spicy (just how I like it!) and the blue cheese crumbles were amazing. We all shared the fries and my group said the wings (and the boneless) were great. Croxley Ale’s is a tiny bar but were able to house our group of 6 just fine. I will definitely be going back for the sandwich; one of the top 5 I’ve had since living in NYC!

Moving on to things. I had Wednesday off of work and I honestly had such a depressing day. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed for sure, coupled with PMS that keeps getting worse and worse each month since I have been off of birth control (about 10 months or so now). I wanted to give my body a year off of it since I was on it for 3-4 years and in that time I had lost so much weight. This might be TMI but I wasn’t sure what had caused my sex drive to go completely away for so long. My doctor was sure it was most likely just a change in my hormones and stress from losing 110 pounds, and then last year once I was borderline starving myself and working out so much. I haven’t been too open about it, but I did lose my period for a few months. That’s when I got really freaked out and started to get healthy again. Too bad I went a little overboard (I needed to gain about 10 lbs, ended up with 20-25) and am now struggling to lose 15. But, that’s a different story for a different day 😉

ANYWAYS, the depressing day. It was just hormones because yesterday and today I feel fine. But one big thing that has been bothering me is the fact that I am struggling so much this time around losing a measly 15 pounds (compared to the 110 I lost.) Actually, it’s not even a number because I haven’t weighed myself since the end of 2011. I got way too obsessed with the scale, and thought I could just go by how my clothes felt. Well, my clothes just kept getting tighter and tighter and the size 4 I was at the healthiest weight I have been (at my unhealthy, a 0 was big) has turned into an 8. Yes, I work in fashion so yes, I know that sizing in clothes these days means literally nothing. Every brand is different, and vanity sizing has taken place of true sizing. I also want to note that I in no way think that sizes dictate who a person is. I know people who are a size 8 who weigh and look like they weigh less than I do. This is just a personal thing, and also because I am not happy with how my body looks at the moment. My body is a little on the boy-ish side, meaning I have no real hips, butt or boobs, and so I carry any extra weight in my arms and stomach. Not flattering.

A few hours of sulking later, I read Lauren’s amazing post. There are so many of us out there who are struggling with weight loss because it is obviously one of the most challenging things to accomplish, and then keep off. For those of us who have lost weight, we know how to do it. There are really no tricks, it’s just simply eating less than you burn. Focus on eating clean, whole foods that power and fuel our bodies. We know all of this, have done it in the past and had the results, so why is it sometimes it’s so hard to not eat chocolate covered animal crackers and sweet potato fries multiple nights in a row (and not just on cheat day)? Why is sticking to 1700-1800 calories (for me, with my activity level) to lose the pounds that bother us so much seem like such a daunting task? That amount of clean food is plenty, trust me! So for the last few months I have been working out like crazy, yet eating at my maintenance amount of calories (2300+) so I have not lost the weight that has stuck to me the last 9 months. Due to where my weight goes when I gain, it’s easy to see where I have gained and it bothers me mostly because I strive to be such a role model to those who are struggling with their own weight. I have proved to be someone who lost a remarkable amount of weight and kept it off for awhile, but now I have gained. Yes, 15 pounds is not a crazy amount but it’s enough to show, and it’s enough for my adorable new wardrobe that I bought the last 2 years to not fit.

What have I realized since reading Lauren’s post, crying for hours, and some soul searching? I am the only one in control of my life. I choose to let food rule in emotional times, and not just when I am hungry. I choose to go off track too many days out of the week instead of just one day per week. I choose to have an extra few spoonfuls of peanut butter before bed out of habit instead of being satisfied with dinner. All of these things just need to STOP and just like that I can gain control. I had some wicked willpower during the year that I had got out of control with how little I ate. I would never want to go back to that, but I do need to channel the willpower I know that I have. A year ago I was terrified of eating 1200 calories. I would work out no less than 2 hours per day, and I had family and friends worried about me. I was the thinnest I ever was my whole life, but I was miserable. I can say now that even though my body is not where I want it, I am much happier with myself.

Yesterday morning in spin class, a guy who sits next to me every Thursday morning asked me after class what sports I played growing up, or currently. When I told him I never played sports, and have only been physically active the last 2 years, he refused to believe me. At this point, the spin instructor came over to us and joined, also in shock that I don’t play sports. They both told me that I “kill it” in every class, and always push myself to go just a bit further than others in the class (which leaves me in a pool of my own sweat). That moment almost brought me to tears, because I realized that my fitness is not only great compared to others who look more fit than I, but greater than I ever imagined in my wildest dreams. I was happy when I could finally walk 2 miles, but now a 4-5 mile run is just a “quick” little run, and 2 spin classes in a day is fun for me. The weight will come off, but what matters most to me is that I am physically fit and I don’t have to start from scratch again. I will never allow myself to gain 30,40,50 pounds and treat my body poorly. I just need to get my head straight, which I will say is not easy given the last 9 months and what I have gone through. But, I am determined to end 2012 on a positive note.

Whew, this was quite the honest post! Give me some feedback. What are ways you get back on track after falling off for awhile? Have you ever fallen off for a longer period of time?

Money Honey

It’s no shocker that living in NYC is expensive; it’s mainly the rent, because I save a ton of money by not owning a car and paying for gas (a monthly subway pass is only$104 which offers unlimited rides, and I’d rather walk than take a taxi anywhere) but one thing that really creeps on your wallet is the temptation everywhere of food, shopping, and just living! I have a serious addiction and devotion to Starbucks, and I go through good periods where I can control my habit and only buy it a few times per week. But lately I have been buying my delicious soy creations (iced coffee with soy or soy mistos) at least once per day, if not twice! I am obviously a gold card holder there so I get free drinks every 15th drink, but those have been coming quite frequently if you catch my drift…

I have been doing my best to get out of the debt I collected since I was 18 (way too many credit cards) and last month I actually paid off 2! I have done a great job at figuring out how to eat healthy on a budget, but I need to remember that by factoring in exactly how much I can spend per paycheck on coffee and other goodies, I can further improve my financial status. Enter in my famous: each time I don’t buy a coffee, I put the amount I would have spent in my savings to go towards a credit card. I have easily accumulated $15 in a week, and that small amount goes really far! The faster I get out of debt, the faster I can focus on beginning a career that I actually love. I want to work in health and fitness, coaching others on how to live a healthy life and have it be delicious and fun. That can’t really happen successfully until I don’t need the amount of money I need now to pay my bills and rent. I am more than happy to have a job that doesn’t pay high as long as I am happy. I want to make sure my career path helps others in a positive way and is challenging.

Anyways, that’s what’s been on my mind all day (every day!) but I assure you I have been eating the same things as yesterday 😉 I did not have a morning workout today so I am planning on a spin class after work, so I will definitely be making an iced coffee around 5:30 or so to get my energy level up! It sure does suck to work til 6:30-7 every night and have to work out so late!

Have you ever been in credit card debt?

What small ways do you save money?

Do you have normal working hours?

Making A Comeback

Ah. Somehow it is already the last day of April. It has been a rough couple of months, and this poor blog has taken a backseat in my life which I do not like. Just like exercising and eating healthy, an effort must be made for things in our lives that make us happy and are good for us. Writing is good for me and makes me incredibly happy, so I am hereby making an effort to start blogging again! Hopefully any readers I might have will be happy by this decision; and if you are, comment! I would love to know who is reading and any feedback you might have.

I have been working out pretty consistently, and it’s been mostly HIIT on the treadmill, spinning, and Jillian Michaels. I haven’t ran more than 3.5 miles since March, because the pain in my left hip, knee and shin wasn’t getting better. With the minimal distance running, I was able to recover and am thinking I might be ready to attempt getting back into longer distances. Sadly, the half marthon I signed up for is this upcoming Sunday and while I would love to be crazy and attempt to run it, my hip and knee are still not 100% and I’m not sure how safe that would be. I’m still deciding, but I will most likely drop to the 5K and just have a fun run. I could probably run at least 8 of the 13.1 miles well, but I’m not sure I could finish 13.1 with no long run since January!

I still have the nagging 10 pounds I want to lose from the winter, but I have been better about mindful eating and I started Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30 last week. I have done it about 4 times, and that’s my plan is 3-4 times per week on top of my running and spinning. My goal is to be toned up and feeling great by the greatest holiday of the year- PRIDE WEEKEND! If you know me, you know I still continue to talk about the craziness that was 2011’s Pride Weekend- a.k.a. my first weekend out in NYC last year after moving here. It’s June 23rd, and I am planning to look fabulous in hopefully very little clothing 😉 Gotta support my gays!

I will definitely be back later with pictures of food, and more details on my workouts! It feels good to be back 🙂